Been some time

 I realise that I write posts like this quite a bit now...

Talking about picking up things after a really long time and not actually doing anything about it. 

I have become a lonely person who doesn't smile much, isn't happy and just is letting her days pass her by. Literally, my daily routine is: 

 - Get up, YouTube, Freshen up, YouTube or any other video channel(Netflix, prime, Disney, HBO - you get the point). Breakfast that get served to me, say bye to my daughter (who I do not get ready in the morning) and then come right back to these random shit videos throughout the day. I take 2 breaks - 1 when my daughter comes back from school (I say hi to her, play with her for may be 10 mins and then come right back) and final one when she gets up from her nap and again comes says hi to me for 5-10 mins. That is the only useful thing I have been doing with my time. I am such a failure in life. I do not even have the strength to get out of my house. I have to force myself to do that. I hate getting out. You should listen to the excuses I make - Its about to rain. my legs are not shaved, do we really have to go? You know what the main reason is? I do not have a reason. I feel passionless. I love my daughter, I do. & I would do anything for her. But where is all the energy that should help me? Where have I lost all of my energy? I am just this dumb chick who doesn't have anything to say anymore. I don't have a view point, I am sad a lot and I am pregnant which makes all of these "feelings" I have extremely inconvenient. I want to be happy for my unborn child, I want to set a great example for my daughter and pursue a line of career that actually makes me happy. I want to be someone. I just don't know what. 

I want to know the destination before I put energy into the journey. Otherwise, whats the point? I realise that is not a great way to think. I should enjoy the journey. But if I don't know where I am going, I find it hard to work hard. I almost do not feel like putting in any energy. & today, I just don't know where my life is going. I really feel like I am just barely surviving. I know what I am supposed to do. These things will really make my life so much better ( I have reaped their benefits in the past):

1. The night before - Make a To do list (& update it every night). Check on the menu for next day (Any leftovers? What veggies need to be finished, etc)
2. Get up in the morning, Take a shower & Pray. 
3. Eat breakfast with your daughter, help her eat (do not switch on any videos and just pay attention to her). She knows you are distracted and wants her mom with her. Please pay attention to her. She craves it. 
4. Give her a shower, get her ready and send her off to school(her papa can take her). 
5. Sit at your desk & get cracking on your to do list.
6. When your daughter comes back from school - Eat lunch with her(This is unrealistic but would like to try)
7. After she wakes up from her nap, play with her - may be only for 10-15 mins but give her your undivided attention. 
8. Read something - Anything (Not entertainment news)